You want this, do you?

So, here I am again. Two posts in, what, seven days? Impressive.

Something has been playing on my mind the last few days, something that, really, has always been there, but had faded in more recent times.

On Friday night, I was speaking on the phone to a friend, who asked me what I'd been up to lately. So I told him: nothing, except for spending 80-90% of the day confined to my bed. He laughed, replying that he'd love to be able to spend all day in bed.

Ha. Such total ignorance angers me. If it was from a person who knew nothing about me, didn't know I was ill, OK, understandable, but from someone I've known for years? I tried to control my ire, but put him straight with something along the following lines:

"OK, so, you'd like to be lying in bed having to wear an eye mask because any light, even that through closed curtains is like knives to your eyeballs, your head throbs with such pain you think your skull my implode and feel so weak that you can barely even lift your arm an inch? You'd really like that, would you?"

As you can imagine, that somewhat had him choking on his words, and to his credit he was apologetic and very considerate and, dare I say it, kind thereafter. But still, it grates on me that even people I've known for years, who are aware of many of the details of my condition, can still make such truly annoying and yes, hurtful remarks, undermining my suffering and thinking I'm somehow having the time of my life indulging in total sloth.

That's certainly one sin I won't be going to hell for. Much of the time, I feel I'm already there.

Return

Wow. It's been a long time since I posted here, I'd actually forgot it was here. But as I lay in bed one night, filled with so many emotions that were bottled inside, like the boiling magma in the volcano, I knew I needed a place to release them freely, where no one would be upset or angered or insulted by them, where I would not face scrutiny by those close to me, where I can most be myself...yet never truly known. Oh I do love a good paradox.

So, how long's it been? Two years? A hell of a lot has happened since then. Health, illness, love, hurt, joy, pain... The things that make up our lives more than anything. I fell in love, my heart was broken, and broken again, and again, because I was foolish and to coward to do what I should have done. I got past that, eventually, and fell in love with someone far more deserving. I've made friends, I've lost friends, and there are people... I have no idea what they are to me. I'd like them to be friends but... who knows? There have been family bereavements, too many, far too many. My health has deteriorated. I have new passions in life, I've moved on from old ones. I've developed more as a person. I have new outlooks on the world, not all as bleak as once they were, some bleaker still.

I don't know how long this will last, it's very likely it'll be another two years till I return. But it's here for me, right? At least it will always be there.