I just signed in here and was suddenly hit by the title of this blog, and by how inaccurate it is. Maybe I felt it once (is it just me or does it seem a bit emo? Well, I was a ‘real’ emo, a teenager who really was depressed) but now it seems the opposite is true: reality is all too real, and what I like to imagine is the illusion.
I’m scared. There, I said it. Time goes on, things change, and it’s hard for me to take. This month marks eight years since I was diagnosed with ME, and this summer will see in nine years since the start of symptoms. So much has changed, and yet some things haven’t. I found myself forced to grow up before my time, to face being ill with no hope of treatment when I was still a child. I am old, “wise” maybe (I hope) beyond my years but well in line with my experiences. And yet there are parts of me that are still that 11 year old girl who never had her chance to grow up. I think these two conflicting sides of me are always going to be there.
And the changes continue. I’m 20 now, an adult, who should be beginning to make her way in the world. What do other people my age do? They have jobs, or are soon to finish university and have a good education under their belts. I have neither; I’m failing to complete a basic course. I think about moving in with my boyfriend, and real possibility that has been discussed, and I’m terrified, and not for the usual reasons of commitment, but I cower in terror at the idea of having to stand on my own two feet, away from my parents; and frankly, that fear isn’t unfounded, when there are enough times when I struggle to stand up on my own quite literally. How can I face the world when I just want to curl up in bed and sleep to escape the pain tormenting my body and the fatigue that makes it hard to walk to the toilet? How can I face the world when I’m a scared little girl who wants to run away from the reality of what faces her?
For my reality - the reality of constant pain, exhaustion and all the physical stuff; the reality of being left behind while time ticks by, taking my life with it – is, sadly, not an illusion. And somehow I have to find the courage to face up to it.
Monday 7 March 2011
Deluded about reality?
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1 comment:
I can completely understand what you're talking about here. I often feel the adult and child sides of me conflicting. I have now lived 'alone' for 3 years and it has taken that long for me to learn how to take care of myself. Because it is hard - no one tells us how hard it is going to be. But it is also completely possible. Even when I can't stand up for myself (literally that is) I have learnt where to go for help and when to fight and when to stop.
So, I know you are frightened, but I also know that you are capable. The simple fact of admitting your fear proves this, I think. So good luck in wherever your life takes you.
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